With 20 days left in Singapore, I decided that it’s time for me to get (another) blog started. The amount of times that I’ve tried (and failed) at the upkeep of a blog is honestly appalling but I do want to document this next big milestone in my life: moving to London to study.
As the numbers on my countdown get smaller and smaller, this dream of mine is always a day closer to becoming a reality. With all the excitement of going to live in a new country and staring what I think will be a really different life, there are also moments where I’m experiencing the following few feelings: fear, anxiety and loss. It’s going to be a really big difference between being here in Singapore as compared to being in London.
Starting with FEAR I’ll just explain why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. This isn’t my first time living abroad for a long period of time. The closest that I have come to living abroad for extended periods of time was while I was on the school trip to Tianjin, China back in my second year of Polytechnic. It was roughly one and a half months long with about 30 odd students as well as 3-4 teachers.
That being school trip and all, fear didn’t really play a part in the experience because despite the fact that I was going to be living in another country (that I can’t even speak the native language of) I was going to have a number of people, close friends whom I knew could rely on and put my trust in, with me. I wouldn’t have to worry about things on my own. We could buy groceries and head out to do assignments together and we’d basically be moving about as a group. So fear was written off my list.
In the case of me going to study in the U.K. I have the constant nagging fear that I won’t make friends because I’m not the most outgoing of sorts and I won’t go up and talk to a person first. I usually wait and let the other person come over and talk to me, at which point I somehow easily open up to them once we get talking. So I’m certainly going to have to get over this ‘not talking to people first’ fear though because I’m pretty sure everyone else at university is going to feel like this: shy and not wanting to come out of their comfort zones. So if we’re all going to keep to ourselves then it’s going to be pretty dull (this is of course not including those extroverted outgoing sorts).
ANXIETY and mild panic attacks is another thing that I’m prone to. I tend to overthink about things sometimes. They’re not happy thoughts at all it’s pessimistic, dark and almost always has a bad outcome. My anxiety stems from worrying about the ‘what if’s and when my mind wanders down that path I know I’ve got to stop it before my thoughts spiral out of control with all the bad nonsense. For me anxiety is more of an on-again-off-again kind of thing and as long as I keep control of my thoughts, this would not be much of a problem.
Finally, LOSS is going to be one of the biggest things I’d have to deal with due to the fact that I won’t be able to bring everything and everyone over to London with me. I’d be tossed into a totally different lifestyle. I’m going to miss having my own room and personal space as I’ll be sharing a twin room (not really one of my biggest concerns but it’s still a loss) with someone completely new. I’d be losing my friends and family who will be all of seven hours away from me. Time difference is going to be such a pain and I won’t be able to text my besties all the time and makes me worry that we’ll lose touch. I’m also going to miss my parents and siblings (even though we’re not that close) and not forgetting my darling cat Candy. 😦
Well, so that’s about that on the gross pessimistic stuff going on right now. On to the FUN HAPPY SIDE of things because being happy is 17238123980982 times better than being down in the dumps. Honestly what I’ve listed out as the good stuff, kind of all blends in together into one big feeling of excitement. What’s good about going to study abroad is that you’ll get to have a different learning experience compared to what you’re having right now. You’ll also get to see the world and get to try new things, which is what makes me so EXCITED in the first place. Plus the thought of celebrating my first Christmas with actual snow is just something that I never thought I would get to experience so soon.
The new school is another thing that I’m looking forward to as I’ll practically be living in a castle akin to Hogwarts (alright not really, but still). The change of scenery is definitely going to inspire me to write more, which will be great when I get down to writing scripts or stories. Campus life and living in dorms is going to be my thing soon enough and a whole bunch of new modules and things to learn!
Putting all of these feelings into words has made me realise that it all comes down to what you decide to focus on. If you’re always going to look at the bad things and invest your energy in negative feelings then you’re going to make your life really miserable. That being said, I’m still just slightly scared of being alone in a different place but I’m more excited than scared. It’s weird but I guess feelings just co-exist some times and that’s fine. That’s just how it works and you need to know how to be in control to maintain the right amount of balance between the good feelings and the bad ones.
P.S. This blog is still in the process of being set up at the time that this has been posted.
RADNERGADE 